Avast, ye salt-crusted dogs, ink-stained wretches, and ledger-keepers of the high seas! Gather 'round the rum barrel, for the Great Orange Privateer, Donald Trump, has hoisted a new ensign that’s got the Old World Navies in a right proper tizzy. Word has drifted across the trade winds that he’s commissioning a Board of Peace for Gaza, but here’s the rub that’ll blister your barnacles: entry to this exclusive captain’s table requires a tribute of no less than one billion doubloons! Aye, you heard right. To sit amongst the 'peacemakers,' one must first cough up a king’s ransom that would sink even the sturdiest Spanish galleon.

This $1 Billion Seat Pricing has sent a rogue wave through the diplomatic waters, leaving the crusty admirals of the UN and the career privateers of the State Department gasping for air. It seems the former Commodore of Mar-a-Lago believes that the only way to settle a blood-soaked feud in the Levant is to treat the olive branch like a rare piece of plundered ivory. Our sources on the docks say the manifest for this 'Peace Galleon' is being hawked to the wealthiest merchant kings and oil-barons of the desert, turning the very notion of Global Diplomacy into a high-stakes auction where the poor man’s plea is drowned out by the clink of gold coins.

“It’s a bold bit of piracy, even for him,” remarked my first mate, Barnaby the Bilge-Rat, as he polished his rusted cutlass. “Usually, you fight a war to get the gold, but Trump’s found a way to make 'em pay just to talk about stopping the fighting. It’s like charging a drowning man a chest of jewels for a lifebuoy, then asking him to sign a non-disclosure agreement before he’s allowed to breathe!” Even the stuffy Lord Pompous of the Royal Ledger was heard sputtering into his tea, claiming that selling seats on a peace council is akin to selling letters of marque to the highest bidder, regardless of whether they know a jib-boom from a mainmast.

The consequences of this gilded scheme are already churning the surf. By putting a billion-dollar bounty on the peace process, the Great Privateer is effectively telling the smaller skiffs and honest merchantmen to steer clear. This move risks turning Middle Eastern Geopolitics into a privateer’s playground, where the spoils of 'peace' are divided by those with the deepest pockets rather than those with the heaviest hearts. If the Mediterranean trade routes become a toll-way for the ultra-wealthy, the common sailor in Gaza won’t see an olive branch—he’ll only see the shadow of a massive, gold-plated hull passing him by.

So, batten down the hatches and prepare for a stormy season. Whether this Donald Trump venture actually finds land or simply founders on the reefs of greed remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: in the Captain’s new world order, the white flag of surrender has been replaced by a ledger, and the peace pipe is only for those who can afford the premium tobacco. Keep your eyes on the horizon and your hand on your purse, for the price of 'peace' has never been so high, and the water is getting murkier by the glass!