Avast, ye scurvy dogs and bilge-rats of the Billboard Basin! Gather 'round the grog tub and lend an ear to the grizzled Captain Iron Ink, for a new map has been unfurled upon the high seas of Harlem. The Dapper Corsair himself, Lord Flacko—known to the landlubbers as A$AP Rocky—has finally dropped his long-awaited parchment, 'Don’t Be Dumb.' It’s a title that rings out like a warning shot across the bow of any foolhardy enough to cross his wake, and by the looks of the jagged ink, he’s got one particular Canadian Privateer in his crosshairs.

For months, the trade winds have been thick with the scent of gunpowder and expensive cologne. The scuttlebutt among the tavern wenches in Tortuga suggests that Flacko’s latest collection of sea-shanties isn’t just for dancing on the quarterdeck; it’s a tactical strike. Word on the dock is that the 'Champagne Privateer' of the OVO fleet—the Drizzling Duke of Toronto—has been catching a fair amount of lyrical grape-shot. Our lookouts on the crow’s nest report that several verses in the new album contain coded barbs aimed squarely at the Duke’s ego, perhaps in retaliation for the Duke’s previous attempts to court the favor of the Admiral of Fenty, the Queen of the Barbadian Isles herself.

"Tis a bloody mess on the starboard side!" cried my first mate, 'Old-Money' Mulligan, as he scrubbed the decks with a copy of the lyrics. "Flacko ain't just rappin' no more; he’s aimin’ for the Duke’s rudder. He’s callin’ out the Duke’s fashion sense and his claim to the throne of the Great White North. If this keeps up, we’ll be seein’ a full-scale boarding action before the next full moon!" Mulligan isn't the only one spooked. The Lords of the Label—those fat cats who sit in their marble towers counting gold doubloons—are trembling in their silk breeches. If these two titans of the rap-sea go to war, the trade routes for autotuned melodies will be blocked for a fortnight, and we’ll all be forced to listen to nothing but acoustic sea-shanties from the 90s.

The consequences are already being felt across the Seven Charts. I’ve seen ships flying the '6-God' flag scrambling to reinforce their hulls, while the Harlem Navy is out in force, draped in the finest silks and designer eye-patches, celebrating their Captain's return. Lord Pharrell of the Neptune Isles was heard whispering in a high-society gala, 'The vibrations in the water have changed. Flacko has brought the heavy metal, and the Drizzling Duke might find his ship of state taking on water faster than his stylists can bail it out.' Truly, the air is thick with the smell of scorched pride and expensive cigars.

Make no mistake, me hearties: 'Don’t Be Dumb' is more than just a collection of tunes; it is a declaration of maritime dominance. Flacko has navigated the treacherous reefs of 'experimental production' and emerged with a treasure chest full of sonic gems that’ll rattle the teeth out of any landlubber’s head. As for the Duke of Toronto? He’d best check his charts and prepare for a stormy season. In this ocean, there’s only room for one king of the 'Pretty Motherf***er' Fleet, and Captain Iron Ink is bettin' his last bottle of rum that the Harlem Corsair isn't finished firing yet. Raise the black flag, sharpen your cutlasses, and don’t be dumb—this war is only just beginning!